We would like to thank all of the participants in our research group. We were health and childhood professionals, as well as parents experiencing difficulties in raising children we found hard to understand. Their inspiring suggestions, their encouragement and their shared experiences helped us to persevere with our project and made this book possible.
This English version would not have been possible without Riva and Alan Slifka’s loving interest and their practical involvement in having it translated into English from the original French manuscript. This is just one more of Alan’s projects in his long and fulfilled life dedicated to making the world a better place. Thank you, in the name of these children, who may now feel more understood and accepted and want to stay in this world. This was the original hope for our book.
We also wish to thank everyone who took the time to read and correct our texts. Special thanks to Elisabeth Budin for her enthusiasm and skill, to Robert Howe for his meticulous editing, and to Catherine Tihon for her generous and invaluable participation. Last but not least, Margaret Stourton added style and grace to the English version.
Françoise Selhofer
Monica Saurma
Worksheet no. 10
D’Ansembourg, Thomas
BEING GENIUINE, Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real
Independent Pub Group
Bazarte, Dr. Melanie
PARENTING 101
Because Kids Don’t Come With Instructions
DMI Publications
Bazarte, Dr. Melanie
DISCIPLINE 101: Because Kids Don’t Come with Instructions
DMI publications, 1998 ISBN 0-9664365-1-2
Clarke, Jean Illsley
SELF-ESTEEM, A Family Affair
Winston Press, 1978
Dr Paul DENNISON and Gail DENNISON
BRAIN GYM
Edu Kinesthetics, 1989
Dyer, Wayne,
WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT FOR YOUR CHILDREN?
Bantam Press, 1985
Eden, Donna
ENERGY MEDICINE
Tarcher/Putnam, 1999
Gordon, Thomas
P.E.T. PARENT EFFECTIVENESS TRAINING
Penguin, 1970
Rogers, Carl
ON BECOMING A PERSON: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy
Haughton Mifflin Harcourt
Rosenberg, Marshall
NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION: A Language of Life
Puddle & Dancer, 2005
Parenting a child can be a source of immense joy and immense frustration. Love and good intentions are not always enough and, despite all of your care and effort, you may feel that you are at an impasse: with some children, the old, proven child rearing methods simply don’t work. The most promising, precocious, intuitive, joyful, whimsical, creative and wise children can, at the same time, display implacable will and exhausting vitality. These children seem to refuse to "fit in", which makes day-to-day life very complicated!
These children, who seem to be appearing in ever-increasing numbers, touch our hearts and it is for them that we have written this book. Problems can arise within the family or at school, or both, and can be a source of great tension for parents and for other children in the family.
What is going on? Why do parents sometimes feel so overwhelmed? Do we need to change the way we raise children? Should we reform schools? Are these children different? These questions were the basis for a working group made up of childhood professionals, psychotherapists and kinesiologists, as well as parents facing difficulties raising children they found hard to understand. This book is the fruit of our research.
“Problem" children have already been widely researched and divided into different categories. For example, one hears about children who are "gifted", "high potential", "precocious", "modern" or "different". We have purposely avoided using any label to describe a particular child. While we have broadly defined the most frequently observed behaviors, we are trying above all to provide practical answers to make life easier for the child and for the people around him.
In our practice, we are faced with questions from parents who cannot understand why one of their children is so different from her brothers and sisters. How do they deal with this resolute will? Why does this child resist orders so fiercely? Why does she always want to know “why” about everything and refuse to obey until she has understood? What can the parents do? Many children ask the painful question: “why don’t my classmates accept me? Why am I not like the others?” Some feel so desperate that they even talk about committing suicide.
The world we live in has changed considerably within the last few generations. Parents are raising their children in a world which only barely resembles that of their own childhood, and even less that of their own parents. Children living in this different, less restrictive environment have also developed new behaviours. Adults often lack the tools to meet these new challenges.
Each child is unique. Nevertheless, these children have many points in common. There are similarities between them, and certain approaches can be very effective in relating to them. Therapists and parents are seeing real changes, sometimes very rapid ones, by using the techniques described later on, such as "Person-Centred Active Listening" and "Non-Violent Communication." These techniques are the result of advances in psychological research and have proved to be effective in child-parent relationships.
For parents – just as for anyone who comes into contact with these children – these modern and effective communication and listening tools help to restore a real dialogue. They encourage an attitude of respect and empathy, trying to understand the child’s point of view while bearing in mind the benefits of clear limits and positive discipline.
This book is divided into two parts. The first describes keys to help define the child and how he functions, i.e. "who is he?” It also offers an opportunity to think about a general strategy for the goals and the objectives of a successful upbringing. The second part, our "Toolbox", contains practical worksheets explaining the proposed techniques, as well as a worksheet designed for children called "How to get along better with your parents and friends".
Our goal is to:
• help understand the child’s own view of reality.
• help parents tackle the complicated situations that arise every day calmly and with a sense of humour.
• encourage the parent to see this as a potential for change instead of focusing on the problem.
The basic tools proposed in this manual are effective for all children, but are especially well-suited to difficult situations.
Many families today have one or more children who exhibit disconcerting characteristics: they simply refuse to fit the mould. Every child is different and every problem is unique but there are, nevertheless, some constants. Some children will demonstrate one or more of the qualities listed below and nevertheless experience a problem-free childhood. Others will have a harder time. The most commonly seen traits are:
You have a baby who consistently astonishes the people around him. The "difference" is often noticed from birth. Some mothers say that even the pregnancy felt different.
The child is particularly alert. Already, as a baby, he has an inquisitive disposition and a powerful presence. His precociousness is evident in his relationships with the people around him. As a toddler and small child he seems able to pick up on the emotions and feelings of others with a rare accuracy and to understand the overall situation. Full of energy, the child sometimes sleeps very little and develops early for his age in some areas.
Examples:
Christelle started talking very early. Her mother recalls astonishing remarks from her small daughter, whose ability to analyse situations was remarkable. She demonstrated uncommon altruism for her age and was always ready to help.
Alicia also astonished her parents with her intellectual capacity. She knew how to read at the age of three and now speaks three languages fluently. She becomes angry when people compliment her, saying that this is normal. Outside her family circle she is very shy.
As for William, at the age of three he refused to go to day-care because "we don’t learn to read and write and there are only babies there."
Some precocious children seem to be reluctant to grow up, or to mix with other children of their age. Others will throw themselves wholeheartedly into physical, athletic or creative activities and are tireless from morning to night. This wonderful energy must not be confused with a diagnosis of “hyperactivity”!
Michael’s mother is at the end of her tether. Her son, aged seven, is often unmanageable in her little apartment. Even after an intense day of skiing, Michael isn’t tired – but she is.
This tremendous energy is a quality which would doubtless be appreciated on a farm, for example, where there is always something physical to do.
Whether introverted and shy or very active, the child often demonstrates great determination combined with a strong will, as well as energy. He knows what he wants and demands it forcefully.
This child is often creative and curious. We could call him a "why?" child. He will not let go of the person he is talking to until he understands the deeper meaning of what interests him. He loves to solve problems and accept challenges. Routine bores him. In addition to an excellent memory, he sometimes shows exceptional talent at a very early age in a specific area such as art or science, which he longs to learn about. As long as the subject interests him, he absorbs information effortlessly. He is often a non-conformist and invents different ways to do things at home and at school, which even makes us wonder if his brain works differently.
Alex’s parents no longer knew how to keep their son busy. This little boy was immensely curious about science and had an astonishing memory. He needed to look at a book only once or twice to remember the whole content. The names of all of the dinosaurs or semi-precious stones were stored in record time. He thought about how to improve traffic lights so that they turn green more quickly, but has just been called in for counselling because he attacked one of his classmates.
Pascal seems to have a gift for drawing and painting but, at the same time, at four years of age, he was sent home from kindergarten as a result of his tantrums and refusal to do as he was told.
The child may have a very fertile imagination. He creates his own world in which he is so absorbed that he sometimes has difficulty in coming back to the present. He will therefore hate being rushed.
He is also often a gentle and sensitive